What can I say, my life went from being mystical, hopeful, wonderous and exciting to just plain awful. I might also add that it happened way to fast, and I have no idea how I will de-stress myself enough to get over this one.
It’s November, and for all University students, this time of year SUCKS. I literally don’t know how I even find time to sleep, even though I have to admit, I have been pretty good at getting to bed before one am. The problem is that I toss and turn and feel guilty about resting when my mind wont shut up. It’s constantly yelling at me to get up, do this, write that paper, call that person. When my mind runs out of things that involving having to do something, it goes on to making me feel guilty that I didn’t go to the gym, or didn’t drink enough water, didn’t write enough of my paper, do enough research, see enough people. I litterally toss and turn for over an hour every night forcing myself to relax and telling myself: “It’s late now… you can’t do anything, just wake up early and do it”. So I do. I wake up every day before 9 am, which is ridiculous when I have all of those precious morning hours to sleep in. Yet, for some reason my body has to get up even though my eyes are watering and I am completely exhausted, my body still says: “Nope, you have to do this, see that, watch this and call her”.
I have done everything I could think of. I even planned my week all the way down to the hour allocating rest breaks, dinner times and what projects needed to completed and by what time. I am a huge advocate for “to do lists” and yet, even after all of my admirable organization, and my relentless ability to actually stay on top of things the inevitable happens. It screws with me, tears me apart and shakes me so violently I have no choice but to break down and cry.
Why! This is honestly the question of today. Why in the past seven days have I managed to loose my debit card, visa card, and apartment keys, as well as break my watch, break my cell phone and alarm clock to unrepairable extent. Why did my camera have to get stolen today at an inspirational event by Free the Children: We Day? WHY is honestly the question. In all of my organization, relentless planning and time management, the stress of the numerous amounts of assignments and presentations had to be rudely interrupted by this terrible fate.
With no alarm clock I wake up every hour to make sure I have not over slept my 8:30 am classes, or 6 am volunteer schedule. The pressure of not sleeping combined with exhaustion, stress and my unusual luck this week has caused me to crash. Even then, I have no time to stay in bed and relax to alleviate the pressure, damaging stress and absolute dissapointment at all of the things that have broken.
I AM TIRED OF FAILING
I am sick of trying so hard, of aiming so high and truly believing the sky is the limit. I dream like everything is possible, have a ten year plan that I could never deviate from and the truth is that I probably won’t be able to accomplish that ten year plan. NO one can. But what hurt’s most is that I probably won’t even be able to accomplish my five year plan or even my three year plan.
I want to go to grad school. I do. I can’t see me doing anything else besides grad school, and yet my grades are not what they should be. What bothers me most, is that I do try… I bring my assignments to my professors a week in advance, every week with diligence, and the result are unimpressive. In fact they are not even improving results.
I AM TIRED OF FAILING WHEN I TRY SO HARD.
Maybe I should just give up. Maybe it is time to just kick the bucket, sit back and stop worrying. What if I don’t go to do a Masters? Well then I wouldn’t have to worry about my grades, or that internship, or ALL OF THE VOLUNTEER HOURS I have committed to learning more about my sepcialized topic.
I could just relax, get an average job without my specialty nor academic knowledge in my passion. I could just get a job in a field… any field. The problem is, that’s not what I want.
My grade 12 year I had two inspirational teachers tell me University was not for me… they would say, “You could always go to College, they don’t need high marks there”. But I knew what I wanted! I wanted to go to Wilfrid Laurier University, and I worked for it. I proved all of them wrong… I applied to scholarships, awards and stayed after school with teachers telling them why I deserved an A in their classes. Sure enough… they saw my diligence, they rewarded me for my hard work and my 63% average in grade 11 soared up to an 85% in grade 12. I got into every University I applied for. So why not now?
I AM TIRED OF FAILING
I am trying, working, not even socializing anymore. I want so many things, and for some reason, this week, I keep loosing everything. My reality has been altered, my hopefulness and care free spirit has died out. I am not who I want to be, and who I want to be continously slaps me in the face with the word: UNACHIEVABLE.
I deserve just as much as the next hard working individual… and if not everything, at least the acknowledgment that we tried.